Midnight Chimes and Pink Roses
by the Black Rose
Summary: Set after Santa Baby.'There was something wrong about me that everyone else could see, but that somehow I missed when I glanced in the mirror. People who weren't close to me could claim to love me as the public figure I had become. But it was just a mask.
1. You don't believe I'll stay

**Midnight Chimes and Pink Roses**

by the Black Rose

AN: Relena's POV is done as if she was writing in a journal, and is denoted in italics. This takes place after Santa Baby, but it's not an epilogue. I hesitate to call it a sequel. It's in the same 'universe', it assumes the events in Santa Baby happened prior. But they're separate fics. Thanks for reading! Love, Rose

**Chapter 1**

_I wish I could tell you that everything was perfect from that moment. That the ending was its own fairy tale, and Heero and I lived happily ever after. But that wasn't the case._

_For a while, we were both still afraid. With our pasts being what they were, Heero couldn't believe wholeheartedly in someone else. And I…as much as I wanted to, could not believe wholly in him._

_He had left before. _

_He had hurt me before._

_I forgave him._

_But I couldn't forget._

_And so it was in the beginning, when he first returned and asked to stay with me. I gladly welcomed him even though I never believed he meant forever. I thought that I could handle having him for as long as he meant to stay. And even if he broke my heart again, if there was hope he would return…Then that was enough._

_But I was wrong._

* * *

"Then let me stay with you." Heero felt his voice crack with the request. His arms locked around Relena's body and he didn't think a refusal would get them to let her go. She'd have to let him stay - at least until the jaws of life could pry him away from her.

She shifted in his embrace and her own voice rasped a response: "Of course."

Heero let himself take a breath. He had the distinct impression that the smell wafting up to his nose was coming from him. But he was too tired to care. She had said yes…

"Always," Relena said then twisted in his grasp and pulled away. He couldn't blame her, he stunk something awful.

"But you need to get some rest." She turned away from him.

"I'm fine for a while. I caught a nap—" He tugged her back around, and that's when he saw the tears on her cheeks. "Relena?" Heero reached to wipe them away.

"I'm ok. I'm just so glad…" Her eyes darted up to meet his. "…to see you." She glanced away again. But for that brief moment…

"You don't believe me." There was no accusation in her expression. But neither was that certain something that had always been there before.

"What?" She looked at him, eyes wide - afraid. But she'd never been afraid of him before.

He swallowed against the dry place in his throat. "You don't believe I'll stay."

"Heero, I…I haven't been getting much sleep lately, and you need to rest, too. I'm just surprised is all. Very happy to see you, but—"

"But not to have me back."

She bowed her head. "I… I told you how I feel."

"Then why are you acting like I'm going to sneak out as soon as you fall asleep?"

"I don't know." She shook her head. "I want you to stay." Relena raised her head, but stared away from him - in the direction of the fireplace. "Even if it's not forever. It's okay. Just…stay." She turned and buried her face into his coat again. His arms came up and just held her like that for a while. Exhaustion crashed over him, draining the new-found energy her answer had infused into his blood.

"I'm not giving up, Relena."

He felt her body shudder in his arms, and realized she was crying.

_

* * *

I led him to his room down the hall from mine, the same one he occupied in his stay during the war. I had been a child then. A child with a crush on a soldier that could have died in any number of battles._

_That is what I told myself, and it was how I rationalized my attempt at seducing him at the tender age of fifteen. _

_I hate to think of it, now. I was so embarrassed, trying to pretend I had gotten lost in my own house. In nothing but a very sheer nightgown. _

_My cheeks burned just trying it on at the store, and I had felt the need to hide the bag from Pagan when he picked me up from the store. My conscience nagged at me the entire time. A war was going on, and I was concerned with 'entertaining' one of its soldiers. But that wasn't the way I thought of it in my heart._

_I wanted him to have something to remember._

_I wanted him to know how I felt._

_He turned me away, of course. But he was kind, if abrupt, and so I was still inexperienced, leading him to that very same room years later._

_My motives hadn't changed, even if my heart had. It wasn't a crush I had for Heero; it had been many years since my crush had turned into love._

_I knew I loved him. And I wanted him to know how much. Saying the words wasn't enough. They were words he didn't understand._

_And I wanted to be the one to teach him what they meant. Inexperience and all._

_But every night, I'd leave him at the door, face bewildered, eyes pained. Did he know what he was asking of me?_

_If I stayed and gave him what I wanted to give, I wouldn't be able to let him go again. And I knew it was only a matter of time…._

_We were doomed. To repeat the same mistakes of the past. Both of us unwilling or unable, I'm not sure which, to need the other. And our refusal to need was a refusal to admit, to break down the walls still existing between us. I could give him all of myself, and all of my heart. And when he left…_

_There'd be nothing of me remaining._

_This is what I feared. This is what kept me up at night, staring at the ceiling, wondering if he was in his room or already on his way out the door. The few minutes I did sleep were filled with dreams that I was awake, running down the hall, throwing wide his bedroom door - only to discover he was gone._

_Over and over again, he left me in my dreams._

_I needed him._

_But I was so afraid…_

* * *

Heero could hear her breathing. It was labored, heavy, Relena was gasping for air. And he had heard the hurried footsteps. The same ones that sounded every morning at this hour when she came running - to make sure he was still there.

He supposed he deserved her mistrust, but it wasn't like he had left last time without goodbye. His hands curled into fists beneath the sheets. He wasn't sure why he didn't open his eyes and tell her he was awake. Then the mattress dipped and he felt her cool fingers touch his forehead. This was something new to their daily 'routine'.

"You're still here. I must have been dreaming that you left. It seemed so real, though. You told me I wasn't who you thought I was, and just turned away from me. I grabbed your arm, and you just disappeared. I stood there, holding on to nothing for I don't know how long until I finally woke myself up."

The headboard creaked, and he figured she must be leaning back against it.

"What can I do to make you stay? Not just stay, but want to be here with me?" Her hand combed through the hair in soft, light strokes. "Always."

He waited for her to continue, but after a few moments, her touch lightened and he heard her breathing even out. Heero cracked his eyelids. She had fallen asleep, in his bed.

He let out the breath he had been holding, and just watched her for a moment. Her hair lay limp, cascading down over the front of her shoulders. Dark circles marred the flesh under her eyes. She hadn't been sleeping. Heero knew that much. And if the dream she told him about was any indication as to why she was going without enough rest, then he was the one at fault.

She couldn't trust him.

She didn't believe in him anymore.

That one thought alone was enough to make him regret everything over the last two years.

A small snore escaped her lips, and it almost made him smile. Her head had tipped down to rest her chin on her chest, and he knew that wasn't a comfortable position to sleep in. He gently tugged her down into a lying position on the mattress. Relena stirred, but didn't fully wake. He held her close, her head cradled on his shoulder, and his arm wrapped completely around her waist.

"Heero…" His name shushed from between her lips.

Her body tensed and she lurched back, but he grasped her tight against him until she relaxed again.

And drifted off to sleep.

Heero woke first. His eyes snapped open like someone flicked a switch. Relena shifted and rolled onto her side. He reached an arm around her and pulled her back against his chest.

"Mmmmmm…" She groaned and then settled down again. Heero checked his watch. It was much later in the morning, and quite possibly the longest she had slept all week. The heat under the comforter rose to an uncomfortable level, but he was determined not to let her go.

"Ah!" Her hand grabbed a fist full of sheet. Her skin was damp, and her face pinched into a frown.

He stroked his palm down her back and murmured softly in her ear. He saw her gradually release the handful of sheet; her features relaxed. Heero planted a kiss on her cheek, next to her ear, and continued to run his fingers over the satin texture of her nightgown.

She was so soft…. He wanted to— Heero swallowed against the lump in his throat. He had wanted to all week. It had been disappointing when she had led him to his old room that he'd occupied during his last stay. But then again, they had never gotten to that stage in their relationship. He couldn't just expect her to—

"Heero…." Her voice sounded breathless in her sleep. He groaned. Now that he was awake, the heat was roasting him inside and out, and all he could picture in his mind was that night…

_He'd left the door open just a crack. It was too soundproof in his room, otherwise. He finished skimming the latest reports from Dr. J and surveying the satellite maps of troop movements. Romafeller thought they were so smart, but Heero could see what they were up to. They were headed straight for —_

_"Oh!" A feminine voice called out from the doorway. His head snapped up to see Relena…A lot more of Relena than he really should be seeing._

_"I g-got a little turned around. Th-these halls, the doors all look the same." Her complexion was crimson, but his eyes were elsewhere. The light pink nightgown fell to the floor in sheer waves, and it was clear she was wearing nothing underneath. Of course, all that was visible were slightly darker pink outlines under the fabric. Heero felt his throat tighten and finally forced his eyes to meet hers._

_"Relena…."_

It had been a terribly unfair thing to do to a soldier: imprint an image like that in his mind. He had carried it with him all these years. And here she was again, in his room…

And she was just as unattainable as before.


	2. Heero said indefinitely, he never said f...

**Midnight**** Chimes and Pink Roses**

by the Black Rose

AN: The sections of italicized text are Relena's journal entries.

**Chapter 2**

_That entire week was one of the most difficult I'd ever spent. I'd catch him watching me out of the corner of my eye, but couldn't find the courage to meet his gaze. _

_Despite the fact we hadn't seen each other in two years, we didn't seem to have much to say. Heero was never the type to babble for the sake of conversation, and for my part, I knew better than to pressure him. I'm not sure how I ended up in his bed that morning. And though I enjoyed waking up to his kiss, the tension between us intensified by a factor of a thousand._

_He was battling himself. And I could only guess as to the reasons why. Heero was always more of an outsider, and moved around freely throughout his life. Despite his stability of temperament, he wasn't necessarily a stable person. He had a quiet strength about him that I admired, and always had. I loved him for it. Not just his strength, but his courage, his focus, and his kindness. _

_I loved him for the way he looked like he was glaring when he concentrated, so that every time he sat at his laptop, it appeared as if he was daring it to defy him. I loved him for the beautiful, if very rare smile he could wear. He was the most handsome man in the universe when he smiled, and the sexiest when he scowled. _

_I loved him very simply because he was Heero._

_They say that women often times choose their mate in the likeness of their father. I couldn't say if Heero was like my real father, but I could see similarities between him and Mr. Darlian - my adopted father. The fact that one exited my life around the same time the other began to take center stage, left me, at fifteen, searching for the approval I wanted from my father, from Heero. _

_They're the same in my heart and yet they're different. _

_Heero is the man I want to give my heart to. My father is the man that taught me to have one in the first place._

_My natural father died before I was old enough to know him. My adopted father died before we had the time to know each other. My adopted mother never recovered from his death. I can't imagine going on with my life without Heero. . ._

_My brother left after the Mariemaia incident, and I've never felt like I've known him. _

_The only one who's stayed with me through it all is Pagan._

_I wanted Heero to stay by my side. I wanted to remain by his side._

_But Heero needed freedom to do the things that Heero needed to do. He never had that kind of liberty before the end of the war. _

_I could understand that. Even accept that - as long as he had a place to return to, a place he could call home. I wanted to be that for him; I didn't want to trap him. And so I left the door open on a cage that never had a roof - even though the very thought of him leaving stole the breath from my lungs and made the muscle in my chest burn._

_I wanted him to stay, but I didn't want to be the one forcing him to stay. How could I make him want to remain on his own? The obvious answer was to sleep with him, but Heero was not the type to be manipulated, and despite my occupation, manipulation was not my strong suit. _

_Though neither was seduction, apparently. _

_And so I was stuck between the proverbial rock and a hard place: if I asked him to stay, I was certain I would only end up chasing him away._

_And if I left him alone, I was afraid he'd believe I didn't care._

_The end result was the same, either way._

_Heero was going to leave again and break my heart._

* * *

The days passed quickly, though a tense quiet marked most of the time that went by. Heero didn't know how to prove himself to her, but hoped that every day he was there would be another point in his favor. And yet, the more time that went by, the worse things seemed to get.

He finished the breakfast the two of them had eaten, yet again, in silence. He glanced across the table at where she sat, eyes focused on some point far away. Heero scowled and stood up from his seat. He chucked the napkin at the table, and started towards the door. But Pagan halted his exit by entering the room and blocking his path to begin clearing away dishes off the table.

Relena stood up from her chair.

"Master Yuy, if I may ask, for the sake of an old butler's duties, how long are you planning to stay in the household?" Pagan asked, nose down, appearing completely intent on his duties. Relena gasped and placed a hand to her mouth. Her face drained of all its color. She turned and exited the room before Heero could answer.

"I'm staying. Indefinitely."

The butler moved around to the other side of the table, clearing Heero's path to the door. "Do you have an estimated arrival date for your belongings, then?"

Heero shot Pagan a look and moved to go after Relena. "I'll let you know."

"And I suppose your transfer notice has already been approved by the head of Preventer." The elderly butler's voice followed Heero out the door.

He caught up to her only a few yards outside the dining room. Had she continued at her quick pace, she would have been much farther away. So she had to have paused to hear his answer. "Where are you going?"

"I…I have some things to attend to." She looked at his chest when she spoke.

"You're avoiding me."

She laughed. It sounded hollow. "It's difficult to avoid someone living in the same household…" She glanced away. "About…this morning…"

Heero crossed his arms. "Yes."

"I…didn't mean to make you uncomfortable." Relena met his eyes this time.

He scowled. "Six years ago, you walking in to that room wearing practically nothing made me uncomfortable. This morning—"

"It was a mistake." She dropped her gaze to the floor.

"A mistake." Heero dropped his arms to his side and clenched his fists. His breakfast turned over in his stomach.

"Yes, I didn't mean—"

His eyes narrowed. "Are you talking about today or six years ago, Relena?"

"I…"

His heart hammered in his chest. He didn't even want to know her answer. "Because between the two of us, there have been only two mistakes, to my recollection." Her expression didn't change. Her face was blank, emotionless, like she was waiting for an axe to fall.

"The most recent being your refusal to give me a chance." He turned and started to walk away.

"And the other?" Her soft voice floated after him.

He kept walking.

'Ever leaving in the first place.'

_

* * *

It had been five whole days since Heero had come back into my life. And with all the turmoil his very presence managed to put me in, I'd almost completely forgotten the generic 'holiday' party invitation I had received and already affirmatively answered._

_Pagan reminded me of it that afternoon, and so I had to call and change my RSVP to two people instead of just one. For a change, Heero seemed almost willing to go. Perhaps it was being virtually trapped inside the house with nothing but his laptop, and whatever project he had started on my chimney._

_For years, my chimney had been 'protected' the way it was. Now, it was suddenly a weak point in the security system. I don't think I want to know how he managed to find that out._

_Despite my reluctance to stay in the room, I overheard Heero's conversation with Pagan. His transfer within the Preventers hadn't been taken care of. He'd made no plans to move anything from his apartment on L2. _

_In all the time I'd known him, Heero had always proved to be an honorable person. He's a man of his word. I had absolutely no reason to doubt that Heero would keep his promises. He always had. Except when it came to leaving._

_He left the night of the attack on St. Gabriel's Academy. He left the __Sanq__Kingdom__ while I met with the representatives from Romafeller. He left at the end of the war. He left after the Mariemaia incident. He left after my seventeenth birthday party had been cleared of terrorists. _

_He left the Christmas of my nineteenth year._

_Simple logic says, "But he always comes back." Yes, yes he does. But usually only when I'm in danger._

_Perhaps that's why he's here, now. Perhaps the 'chimney project' is a cover for something else. I had been ushered off the L2 colony pretty quick. Wufei said there was a hacker..._

_But Heero is an honorable person. He would tell me if that was why he came back. He's not much for façades, and even less for lying. And his words, I knew, were ones I could count on. _

_Heero said he was staying indefinitely._

_He never said forever._


	3. We had both grown up so much

**Midnight**** Chimes and Pink Roses**

By the Black Rose

AN: As a reminder, the sections in italics are from Relena's journal.

**Chapter 3**

The 'holiday' party moved at a slow, leisurely pace. People here were on vacation, not to discuss business. The lighting was much less bright than other diplomatic affairs he had attended with her. Candles adorned the tables; the only chandelier shone down on a wood dance floor set up in the middle of the marble tile. The place was far too dark with too many inscrutable corners to be adequately secured.

Heero felt stiff and awkward in the navy blue dress Preventer uniform, but since he had no other suit with him, and he was partially there on official business, he had little choice. Relena made the comment that it looked distinguished on him. But distinguish him, thankfully, it did not.

In fact, even though his name had been announced on the same card as hers as "Ms. Relena Darlian and Mr. Heero Yuy", it had taken photographers and gossip mongers alike quite a while before they had figured out: he was her date. Once that happened, he saw the gloved hands move up to their faces as people began to talk 'behind Relena's back'.

Heero shrugged it off. He didn't know if what they had to say was good or bad, and he didn't much care. The part he did care about was the photographers. Their questions were annoying.

And they were suddenly beyond interested in the pair.

He found himself in the middle of a collection of them. How they had ensnared him into their little huddle, he didn't recall.

"Miss Relena! Who is this handsome Preventer agent?" Asked a slim lady with short, brown hair and a smile that was much too wide.

Relena stood to his left, wearing a full-length ivory gown that was too puffy at the bottom, and too fitted at the top. It made him want, but not be able to get close enough. She smiled a shy smile and answered in a clear voice: "This is my good friend, Heero Yuy."

"Just friends?" The wide-smiling woman asked.

Heero frowned. "No."

Relena's eyes widened. "Heero!"

"Ah, so the cat's out of the bag!" A man with sandy blond hair chuckled. "How long have you been together?"

"Ah—" Red crept into Relena's complexion and she looked a little flustered.

"Off and on for three years."

"So this is on?" The male reporter asked. He, too, had a grin that was too much to be real. Heero had to suppress the urge to roll his eyes.

"Affirmative."

Relena smiled, but shot him a look out of the corner of her gaze.

"Doesn't look like the lady agrees. Perhaps he's over-possessive, Relena?" The woman reporter pressed his date.

"No. He's telling the truth, but—"

Heero cut her off. "That's all we have to say. Take your pictures and go back to the party."

"Awwww." A collective groan sounded from the group of reporters and cameramen. But his glare was enough to silence them all and send them on their way.

The pests finally gave the couple some breathing space. Ignoring the stare Relena leveled in his direction, Heero extended his hand and asked her to dance.

She gaped at his upturned palm for a moment and appeared genuinely hesitant to accept it. Her date closed his eyes and asked again.

"If I promise you I'll be here tomorrow, will you dance with me?"

He heard her sharp intake of breath, and felt like he was holding his. Until soft, delicate fingers slid into the palm of his hand. Her skin was cool and her touch timid, like she might change her mind if he gave her the chance. Heero tightened his fingers around her hand and pulled her close.

"Heero…." Her voice murmured as he wound his left arm around her waist. "It's a waltz."

"I don't care," he said into her ear. She must not have been too concerned about it; either that or she knew better than to argue with him - more likely the first option than the second - because she didn't struggle. Instead, she laid her head against his shoulder and swayed with him to some non-existent beat he was sure neither of them heard.

_

* * *

When I opened my eyes again, most of the other guests had already gone. I had no idea how long we danced like that, him just holding me, like no one else in the world existed, or if they did, they certainly didn't matter. Despite the fact I was upset that Heero had confirmed our relationship to the media…_

_Let me explain. _

_I was not ashamed to admit my feelings for him. I was not concerned with what anyone would think. I was loath to announce our relationship, much less our living arrangement, for one reason and one reason only:_

_I didn't know if I could pretend I was okay._

_So, despite being upset at Heero for his unusual candor, which I couldn't help but think, or perhaps hope, was done for a reason - and not just to spite me - I had enjoyed dancing with him so much. I couldn't help but remember the first time he held me in his arms, and compare it to this evening. _

_He was taller. I could lay my head on his shoulder by just leaning forward. He held me closer this time than the first time we danced; his grip on my waist was tighter. I could hear his heart pounding in his chest, just below where I lay my head. We didn't speak. I didn't ask him silly questions, and he didn't answer them the way he was ordered to._

_We had both grown up so much._

_So why did I still feel like I was a child? As soon as he took me in his embrace, I was fifteen again, and practically giddy in love. I was awkward and hormonal. I wanted him to take me back to his room…_

_I wanted so desperately to be his. I wanted to know that he ached for me even close to the way I ached for him every time he touched or looked at me in just the right way. He said he'd be here tomorrow, promised he would stay at least one more day._

_So tonight…_

_For this one night…_

_I didn't have to be afraid that I would wake up to an empty bed._

* * *

Heero led her out into the hallway. The hosts were in the foyer, seeing off the other guests, and for a moment, he and Relena were alone.

He leaned back against the wall opposite the door to the ballroom. His date stopped a few feet away. "Heero?" She took a step towards him, and reached out one hand.

"Relena, this isn't working."

She froze. Her whole body stopped moving except for the outstretched hand. It trembled like a leaf in the wind, until her other hand caught and reeled it in. They folded together and rested on her waist. Her head bowed. "I understa—"

He wanted to pound his fist against the wall. "No. You don't."

Her head jerked up and his gaze met hers. Her eyes were wide and he had never seen them reflect so much fear.

"Relena…"

"What…what don't I understand?" Her folded hands dropped to her sides and she hid them behind her back. She must have figured out they were still shaking.

"You're pushing me away. I came back here…" Somehow or another, his voice was trying to fail him. So many things to say, but he didn't know just how to say them. "I didn't come back so you could push me away."

"Heero…"

"I've been trying… I know it's something you want to hear. But I can't…I can't find the words, Relena. I don't know how to give what you obviously need from me right now."

"I don't need you to say anything. It's okay…"

"Then why—" He scowled at her. "Have you been trying to make a point?"

"Make a—"

"Because if this is how I made you feel two years ago…"

"No." She shook her head. "I haven't been trying to make a point. I don't want you to feel like I don't care. I do care." She reached her hand towards him again. This time it found his arm.

"Then why—" Her touch soothed his anger.

"I just…" She stared up at him, and it was more than he could stand. Gone was her unwavering faith. She looked like she was pleading with him. "It's not important."

"Why, Relena?" His voice came out sounding low, tired, almost defeated. "What did I ever do that makes you look at me like I could break you?"

She turned her head. He grabbed her chin and forced her to look at him.

"What did I do to make you lose faith in me?"

"You didn't. I just…I—"

"Oh there you ahre." A snobby female voice sounded from somewhere down the hall. An older lady appeared in the entryway, Heero recognized her as the hostess. "Albert was afraid you'd left already, but I told him that you were just enjoying your date. And who can blame you?" She winked at Heero. He was not amused.

"Your cahr just pulled around." The hostess's voice drawled out her a's into ah's in an overdone fashion that made everything she said sound false, pretentious, annoying.

"Do you want me to tell the dryver you'll be staying? You're certainly welcome to spend the night. We have a lovely suite down the hall, I think you and Mr. Yuy would absolutely love it. And it's very pri—"

"No. Thank you for your very kind offer, but we really should be going. You and Albert have already done so much, I'm sure you would rather rest than have to cater to guests another day." Relena took Heero's offered arm.

"Oh that's just nonsense. We absolutely adore having you. But at least let me walk you to the door."

The elderly lady continued to chatter as the three of them found their way to the door. Heero tuned most of it out. It was all politeness, and no substance. Beverly hadn't really been inviting them to stay; Relena obviously knew this, though he couldn't help but feel a bit…transparent that she had invited them to stay in the same room.

He helped her into the car and then walked around to the other side. Beverly winked at him again before he slid into the seat next to Relena. Despite the chill outside, the interior was warm - one of the perks of having a driver.

"Thank you for going with me, Heero."

Her date shook his head.

"Can we…put the past behind us for a while? Even if…it's just tonight." She scooted over next to him and slipped her left hand into his. Her head snuggled into his right shoulder as she leaned against him.

He closed his eyes and squeezed her hand.

"I don't know. Can we?"

_

* * *

We didn't say much for the rest of the ride home. I just felt comfortable and warm to be so close to him. When I first took his hand, and leaned against his shoulder, the muscles in his arm were so tense. But by the time we reached the house, it seemed like the tension between us had finally begun to slip away._

_He helped me from the car and slipped his jacket over my shoulders when I shivered. Heero really could be a gentleman when he wanted to. I could imagine he didn't really have a lot of practice with such things, but he's always so full of surprises._

_He kept hold of my hand as he led the way up the stairs. Even though the entryway and hall were cold enough to make me clutch his jacket tighter with my free hand, I was sweating underneath. I didn't think he was taking me anywhere other than escorting me to my room for the night. And I wasn't sure how I felt about that._

_I didn't want to relinquish his hand. _

_I didn't want to spend another night without him._

_And most of all…_

_I didn't want him to let me go. _


	4. This wasn't a battle of wills, just…

**Midnight**** Chimes and Pink Roses**

By the Black Rose

AN: This chapter is shorter because I cut the lemon out in order to keep it PG-13/R – so it could be posted to Thanks! Love, Rose

**Chapter 4**

Heero led her down the long, carpeted hallway, passed her door to stand just outside his room. This was where Relena usually pecked his cheek and then made her quick escape. But though he hadn't wanted to push her on the issue, or pressure her to stay, he was tired of giving up without a fight.

_"I didn't come back so you could push me away."_

She drew close, and had to stand on tiptoe to reach his lips. Heero waited for the brief contact, then ducked his head and caught her mouth in a more than friendly kiss.

He grabbed her waist and pressed her against his body. She gasped against his lips; Heero took the offered advantage and deepened the kiss.

_"What did I do to make you lose faith in me?"_

She pulled away first, but didn't get very far. He seized her wrist before she could run off. Relena turned around; her eyes stared at where he grasped her arm.

"Heero…?"

They stood that way for a moment before her gaze finally rose to meet his. He sent her a look that he hoped would convey what he was asking.

'Let me try, Relena.'

He wanted to try to explain, no, to show her how he felt. How he had always felt for her. But the only thing in his past that could possibly guide him was the adage about acting on his emotions.

'Don't push me away. I know I hurt you before. But I need you to believe…to have faith in me again.'

He let go of her arm. It was her decision. And still she stood there, and just held his gaze. He wasn't sure what was going on in her mind. This wasn't a battle of wills, just… Watching.

Waiting.

Breathing.

Wanting….

One of them had to move first. Perhaps she was waiting for him. Heero opened the door and held it ajar. He made a motion with his hand to indicate "After you." Relena hesitated only a second before she broke eye contact and seemed to float inside.

He closed the door and locked it. She stood a few feet away, her back towards him, his jacket still draped over her shoulders; her hair was swept up and secured with a comb. Pearl drops dangled from each ear, and they danced with every step - gently caressing the lobe and small spans of the flesh on her neck. Inviting him to find out if that skin was very sensitive…

She spun around. He caught her by the shoulders and removed the jacket, then threw it into the chair behind her.

Her mouth opened with what looked like an objection on her lips. "Heero, I—"

He cut her off with a fervent kiss. But though he was hoping to distract her with the move, he had a specific plan of attack in mind. His fingers found the zipper on her dress and quickly tugged it down its track; he parted the fabric, and unhooked it at the top. Heero broke the kiss; she stepped back, holding the top of hergown against her chest.

"I—"

He tugged at her wrist, and succeeded in pulling her around in a half circle to face the bed, her back against his upper body. Those pearl earrings bobbed with the sudden movement, and he finally accepted their invitation. His mouth nibbled and sucked at the flesh of her neck, and the answering groan from the back of Relena's throat gave him his answer.

"Uhn, Heero…"

His hands slid the bodice of thegown down to her hips; electric charges burnt the tips of his fingers where he touched her skin. He mouthed down to the junction of her neck and shoulder, mildly surprised when he heard his own voice whispering her name.

"Relena…."

He felt the muscles in her shoulder contract beneath his lips, and knew he had to override her objections. He needed to kiss her, leave her breathless, not give her time to think. This was the plan of attack. If he was to succeed, he needed to stay focused and clear-headed.

He pushed the dress over her hips and let it fall to the floor in a heap around her ankles. She turned to look at him; he saw his opening and attacked.

Heero leaned in and kissed her again. His hands on her hips kept her body in place against him. His mouth was hard, insistent, and intentionally so. Her softer lips pressed back, almost equally as demanding. He opened his mouth to deepen the kiss, and felt his clarity begin to slip away.

There was no formula for this…seduction. There was only Relena. How her skin felt beneath his hands...

How his fingers ached to touch her...

How she trembled when she tried to undo the buttons of his shirt...

How she sighed that name that had never been his, but was all right because that was how she knew him.

Their movements drew them to the side of the bed, his shirt off, belt undone; her dress long forgotten, and her strapless bra gone. He removed the combs from her hair and dug his hands into the liberated silk. Her head lolled back against his shoulder. His palms smoothed back down to her waist.

"Tell me what you want, Relena." His hand stroked the soft skin of her hip. He wasn't sure but he thought her knees quavered and almost gave out. Heero wrapped his left arm around her to keep her from falling.

"Mmmmmmm…" Her eyes were closed. He continued to kiss her throat, her shoulder, the small space behind her ear…

"Tell me, Relena."

She moaned again. Heero got the impression that her brain wasn't really even functioning anymore. She pressed back against him and placed additional pressure…some place that didn't need any more.

"Relena…"

"You." She gasped when he softly bit her neck. Her voice wheezed out the words: "I want you."

* * *

When Heero finally thought he had regained his control, he felt Relena's arms go around him, and realized he was still shaking. Her body seemed to cradle his - like he belonged to her as much as she had become his. 

He lifted himself up, disconnecting their bodies, and lay down beside her. She looked at him, and he gave her a kiss with the last of his strength. It was sloppy and not nearly as intense as the kisses they had shared during… But she drew him in anyway, her hands locking around his neck and pulling his head down to her chest.

Sleep nagged at his eyelids and drew them closed despite his efforts to stay awake and enjoy the way her fingers slipped through his hair and smoothed over his upper back. Just before consciousness stole out the door, he heard a voice somewhere say:

_Please don't let me go._


	5. I know now why you didn't cry

**Midnight**** Chimes and Pink Roses**

By the Black Rose

AN: The italicized sections are from Relena's journal. The epilogue is next, entitled February Ice. If you want to read the (missing) lemon from chapter 4- I think someone requested it, I'll put the link in my profile. You can also find various things of interest by searching 'theblackose . net' (minus the spaces) Thank you for reading. Love, Rose

**Chapter 5**

_With nothing to compare it to, I'd say my 'first time' was everything I could have wanted. Or imagined. _

_It did hurt a little bit, though I don't remember it being as painful as some of the stories I've heard. I didn't climax, but there was something satisfying in just having him inside me, his arms around me, his body pressed so close to mine._

_Apparently, Heero was determined to address my lack of at least noticeable enjoyment of our lovemaking. I woke in the middle of the night to see moonlight gleaming off the white of his eyes. As my sight adjusted to the dark, I could tell... He was watching me._

_When he saw I was awake, he turned on the lamp beside the bed. I clutched the sheet around my body. I knew, of course, he'd seen all of me on at least two occasions, but it didn't mean I was entirely comfortable with him looking at me._

_Especially not like that._

_He pulled the covers from my grasp; and with that very determined look in his eyes, he crawled over me again._

_He took me again._

_And he didn't stop until my voice was hoarse from crying out his name, my entire body was slick with ice-cold sweat, and every part of me realized it belonged to him._

_I felt conquered, yet sated. Which made no sense to the logical portion of my mind. But nothing in love seemed to make a world of sense. Or maybe it was just that I looked at things from a strange point of view, or even that I had fallen in love with a very unique man._

_I wanted to be his. I wanted to give him this part of me, to share it with the man I loved. Why the thought even entered my mind that we were somehow on unequal footing..._

_Wasn't he as much mine as I was his?_

_And that's where that emotion stemmed from. I loved him. I gave myself to him out of love and as a physical incarnation of that love._

_What I was unsure of, however, was the basis for his acceptance. I didn't want to believe it was only lust. He'd done enough over the years, and certainly with his coming back six days ago, to demonstrate that he cared about me. I knew in my heart that he cared._

_But I didn't feel like he'd given me his heart, his faith, the way I had given him mine, tonight. And maybe it was my own lack of faith..._

_In myself._

_I chased everyone away._

_Didn't I? _

_There was something wrong about me that everyone else could see, but that somehow I missed when I glanced in the mirror. People who weren't close to me could claim to 'love' me as the public figure I had become. _

_But it was just a mask. When I took it off... Those closest to me could see. I wasn't...I didn't deserve..._

_Why couldn't I be what he needed? _

_Why wasn't my love enough?_

* * *

Heero woke the instant he felt her weight shift and leave the bed. He had been half-dreading, half-expecting this, so his sleep had been light and uncomfortable. He sat up and turned on the lamp just as her hand touched the doorknob. Relena froze but didn't turn around. 

"The Relena I know wouldn't give up without a fight."

She took her hand off the doorknob and bowed her head. "I'm not giving up. You...You should know by now how I feel. If you don't, there's nothing left I can do."

Heero crossed his arms against his chest and leaned back against the headboard. "So this is all on me then. It's my decision whether I go or stay. My responsibility for whether we work or if we can't make it. You have nothing to do with the equation."

She turned around and opened her mouth to protest. "That's not—"

"You're so afraid I'm going to leave, but you're the one running away, Relena." He met her gaze. "I'm right here. I've not gone anywhere. I'm not going anywhere."

"As much as I love you..." She glanced away.

Heero sat up straight; the covers slipped down to his waist. "Is that what you need me to say? To repeat those words to you? Because I can parrot the saying, but it doesn't mean anything to me."

"I know it doesn't. But it's all…." She shook her head and kept her eyes cast down; her face flushed. "I couldn't…do...more before now."

"Relena," Heero closed his eyes and leaned back again. "I don't need you to do more. I know how you feel."

"Then why?" Her voice rose an octave; at least she was finally expressing some emotion. "Why did you leave?"

Heero opened his eyes and stared at the sheet in his lap. "I left, Relena, because I thought you had...found someone else."

"What?"

He glanced up at her again. "The Preventer Agent who recruited you to assist on the Scholtzberg case. I didn't know why you were lying to me."

Relena's eyes widened. "So you left." She took a step forward; her right hand came up to her neck. "Because you didn't trust me? Because you thought—"

It was his turn to look away. "I never believed you loved me until that day in the department store. And even then, I had my doubts before Duo told me you were the informant we were waiting on."

"But I—"

Heero took a deep breath. "It wouldn't have mattered what you did. It was my own fear that I wasn't good enough. I didn't listen to what you were telling me and couldn't equate my feelings to your words."

Silence slipped under the door and stood between them. He had overreacted back then when he chose to leave, but he had told the truth in saying that he would have found a reason to break things off anyway. The one thing he had been most afraid of losing—

"So what's different this time?" Relena's voice was a whisper.

He glanced up again. Her eyes were red-rimmed and watery. "You let me in. I had to pretend to be Santa Claus. But for those five minutes…" He swallowed and then continued; he held her gaze. "...you were just you. You weren't the Relena that held the world on her shoulders and kept up a brave face for me and everyone else."

Her eyelids squeezed shut.

Heero continued: "I know, now, why you didn't cry when I left. It wasn't that you didn't care. It was because you cared so much, you didn't want to get in the way of what I felt I needed to do."

Tears finally broke free to trickle down her face; she turned away.

"Even now." Heero planted both feet on the floor and stood up. He started across the room. "You'd let me leave if that's what I wanted."

She nodded but still wouldn't look at him.

"But that's not what I want." He reached her side and stood close to her. She stepped back, but the closed door blocked her escape.

"It's not what I need from you." He lodged both palms against the door, caging her in a loose embrace; he bent his head over her shoulder and spoke in a low voice next to her ear. "I don't know how to give you what you need from me, but I'll learn, if you'll teach me."

A soft gasp escaped her lips and her eyes darted up to meet his.

He stared back. "But what I need from you, Relena, is for you to be more selfish with me. I need to feel that you want me, that you need me."

She glanced away again. Heero moved his left hand to grab her chin; he forced her to look at him. "Stop being afraid of me."

He could see her tremble; she shifted her position against the door.

"I know I've hurt you in the past." He let go of her chin. "I can't promise it won't happen again, but if I do...hurt you, I need you to tell me. I need you to cry, tell me you hate me - anything but shut me out." He let his forehead rest on her shoulder; his arms folded next to her body, and he closed the gap between them.

"I need you to believe in me again."

"Tell me..." Her hands rose to wind around his shoulders. "Tell me that you'll stay forever, and I promise..." She buried her face in his neck. "I'll believe you."

Heero took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He let his body settle into her embrace.

"I'll never leave."


End file.
